I hadn't watched a movie by myself in a long time, but I remembered vaguely how it felt.
Crying in the dark at a sad scene, not worrying that my friend or companion would think I was a big sap; watching a really goofy, cheesy movie and not caring who thinks I'm goofy and cheesy for wanting to watch it; not feeling pressured to laugh at the unfunny bits.
I remember thinking how alone I was when I watched White Oleander by myself, but also how at peace and how "myself".
So last Tuesday I headed down to Cineleisure to watch Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs, an animation movie about town in which food rains from the sky. The cinema was full of kids, so I squeezed myself in next to a wall and hunkered down quietly. There was one empty seat next to me, which made me feel more relaxed.
The movie, by Sony, wasn't as good or as moving as one of the Disney ones (those guys have got the formula for tugging at heartstrings down pat. I can't remember the last time I DIDN'T tear at a Disney movie. Wall-E, Finding Nemo, Bolt, Up, you name it, bitches) but it was fun and the premise was interesting. Watching it with children made it nicer, they were the ones reacting most joyfully.
In one scene, where the whole town wakes up to find out that ice-cream has descended in fluffy, pastel orbs on the roofs of all their houses complete with chocolate chips, the entire cinema sat silent in awe of the animation save for one kid who yelled "Ohhhh Myyyy Gawwwd!", which set everyone laughing. It must have looked like a scene from a dream of his, like the one I used to have of a land filled with yellow balloons.
It was nice just being alone after so long. It was nice to think what I wanted and not worry about someone else.
Most of all, for someone who talks way too much, it was great to be forced to sit and walk around in silence and contemplate things around me without constantly opening my mouth in interruption.
And at the end of the day, it felt wonderful to quietly slide in a cab and, wrapped up in my own thoughts, head for home.