Friday, April 30, 2010

Permanent

The thing about being in any kind of emotionally abusive relationship is that while the relationship is on-going, or even when it's long ended, the scar, though invisible, never fades.

You begin to believe that there's something wrong with you and you can never quite shake it.  You realise that you must be the crazy one, the one with all this hurt and anger congealed within and that must be the reason why people feel that way towards you or why it never worked out.

You wake up breathless, wide-eyed and ramrod straight in the middle of the night, that scar still throbbing, wondering if you'll ever be right again.  If the twisted, mistake side of you has been creeping over your heart while you were asleep. 

And the worst of it all is wondering if anyone could ever really love you for who you are - needy, temperamental, pushover, stupid, slut - the lot.

A rubber band on my friend's table today.  I picked it up while she talked on the phone about cars and manipulated it.

Lost in thought, I didn't realise what my fingers were doing until I looked down.

Like clockwork, by touch, twist and hook, they'd produced a phantom of times past.  I stared, unseeing, until my tired eyes stopped swimming and the vision clarified.

A star within a star.  Well I'll be.  I'd forgotten I knew how.

Yet, that's muscle memory for you.  Unseen and indelible.  Just like that goddamn scar.

5 comments:

priii said...

*bear hugs*
i do hope that you take heart in knowing that i'll always love you and cherish you for the person that you are.. you rock my world by just being yourself... and for that i thank you.
<3

chaoticgood said...

Maybe sometimes it's just a matter of perspective. Scars can be beautiful things too; the things that make you human, that make you real, that make you comfortable to be with.

Don't get lost in the thought cycle, babe. Just because it might be muscle memory, doesn't mean you can't look at it differently.

Shoe said...

Thank you guys so much for your comments.

I love you both SO MUCH (and Beck I MISS YOU!). You guys keep me going when I think I can't go anymore and remind me that I'm not a freak!!

Priii! *bear hugs back* I love you for always being yourself around me too.

Smells said...

Yea, so many people love you, Shuls, for the wonder that you are. So, smile (:

Luff ya.

Shoe said...

BOJELLS! I love you also! :D I am smiling, right now!

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